Jack's Blog
Paradox

I don’t want to go to sleep. To me, it’s still Saturday. There is still one sleep left before my day is nothing but a feeling of fleeting mortality as I wait for the sun to set and dread having to work Monday morning.

Yet, I want to sleep as early as possible so that I can in turn wake up as early as possible to have as full a final day off as I possibly can.

Fuck

This is the third time I’ve tried to write this post. I just keep feeling whiny. Mostly because I am. I’m annoyed. I’m depressed. I’m lonely. I’m angry that I’m any of those, and angry that I don’t know how to move passed them.

I want to meet women. I’m tired of having to rely on bars or downtown to do it.

I’m fat. I have been for a long time and that has killed any potential for confidence, long ago.

Confidence is the number one thing you need in order to talk to women effectively when you’re in a club or bar.

What do you do when you have no confidence, when you have only a ridiculous amount of fear? 

For most of my life, I’ve been the fat guy that girls will tease. It’s far in between, but there are a few memories where a a group of girls will try and convince me that one of them likes me, only as a prank to the girl. 

I’ve heard girls call a guy cute before, but when you’re sitting in your car and a girl says that her friend thinks you’re cute and it oozes with her condescension and her friends appalled gasp. How do you walk up to another woman and ask for a date, a phone number, anything, when you feel like you’re just some joke? 

I feel like a clown interviewing for a fortune 500 company. It’s just worthless. They’ll laugh at you before you even get to the receptionist.  I don’t know how to get passed this feeling.

My senior year of high school is the year I’ve had the most confidence, and it’s just felt like all downhill from there.

I’m older. I have no education, outside of high school. I could’ve been a graduate by now if I’d done something with my life. Instead I have a job that I couldn’t care less about. Obviously I’m grateful for a consistent paycheck, but I’m not where I wish I could be, and I’m not doing anything to get there.

I’m bigger than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m working on it, harder than I’ve ever worked on anything before. I’m doing it all by myself. Something I’m not good at. This is the kind of thing I’m better off depending on someone else for. I saw great results in the beginning three months. But I’ve plateaued for twice that time. I feel like I’m putting all this effort in and getting nothing out of it. Which only makes the entire ordeal more difficult to accomplish.

I’m as lonely and depressed as I felt in high school. It feels like a huge drop. Feeling this bullshit pit in my chest that I haven’t felt since my junior year. I almost feel like I’m stuck with the friendships I have. I feel as if some of them are one sided. I’ve gotten used to going to do things by myself because I can’t find someone to do them with, or I don’t want to do them with the people I can. It’s a terrible feeling when you have to go through your contacts list in hopes to remember that one person that might want to do something with you. Only to realize there isn’t any one, and you go do it yourself. Even worse, when there’s something you want to do, but it’s not worth going alone so you just don’t do it.

I feel like the only way to change anything is to lose weight, and become more confident with myself. 

But the process is taking so long that I feel like I’m just wasting my life. So on nights when I feel like I’m wasting my life by sitting at home instead of going out, I only end up regretting it because I feel like a joke.

It’s a ferocious circle I don’t know how to alter. Part of me thinks moving out of state will fix that. Put my somewhere new, where the culture isn’t “Drinking and drugs” and something might change. But I’m scared of that too! Cause then I’ll have absolutely no one! And if I can’t get out of the rut I’m in now, than having no one in a slightly better place is much worse than having a few people in a shitty place!

Well. I’m going to go to sleep now. Which I’ve also been doing like shit now. At least I can complain like I’m decent at something.

Good night, Tumblr.

Have you ever…

listened to a song for the first time, you didn’t know exactly what the lyrics meant but you just knew that they meant something great? Then you listen to the song more and more and it grows to be one of your favorite songs. Now you know the lyrics. You sing them by heart… still, you don’t know what they mean, you just feel their power.

Then you start to connect with the lyrics, like you always knew you would. You start to get emotional singing them, yet still no real meaning connecting you to everything.

Then, one day… weeks, months, years after hearing this song you finally belt out the lyrics and as you sing them, they all just make perfect sense and you start crying as each word is uttered from your lips.

I’ve never had this happen before. I didn’t think I’d ever connect with a song like I did with this one. I’ve always been more into the drums or the background. Lyrics were just there so I didn’t sound stupid making guitar noises or drum noises with my mouth.

But now for the first time in my life, there’s a part of a song that means more to me than any other song have ever had the potential too. It almost felt like an epiphany as it all happened. 

For someone weird reason, I couldn’t help but feel completely embarrassed.  Sitting in my car in front of my house, eyes watering, music blaring.

It was definitely an abnormal moment in my life.

I tried looking up the meaning behind the song, having connected to it the way that I have. I could be completely misinterpreting it. The one thing I read said it was about a disconnection with Jesus. And that is definitely not the connection I’m drawing with it. I know everyone can draw their own meaning from something, but I can’t help but feeling like my interpretation is wrong. If that’s even possible.

The song is Addict with a Pen by Twenty One Pilots. 

tobiasxva:

I love accurate deadpool cosplay gifs.

This is why we need a real R rated Deadpool movie.

titshemsworth:

pachurz:

partyintheusanus:

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHAVED RABBIT

image

Put a hat on it and ask it to bust myths.

image

preys:

Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” as a swear word

did-you-kno:

Source
lacigreen:

jennwitte:

broke a couple of sticks of chalk on this one

im bout to break a lot more than chalk.

lacigreen:

jennwitte:

broke a couple of sticks of chalk on this one

im bout to break a lot more than chalk.

stand-up-comic-gifs:

Pete Holmes

neatvibes:

most common thought: damn haha im going to have to deal with that sooner or later